The Burden of Caregiving – How to Lighten Your Load
This post is a continuation of a series about how to best prepare for the long journey of providing care for an Alzheimer’s patient. Just like any grueling task that requires endurance, lightening your load will help you to go further with less exhaustion.
There are a lot of things that can weigh down a caregiver. Especially when the care is being provided long term for a debilitating illness. Over time, resentment, guilt, and even feelings of anger can weigh a person down and reduce their ability to be the best caregiver they can be.
We are only human, and having these feelings are natural. Just read some of the caregiving forums and personal blogs of caregivers. I think it is something that has affected everyone at one time or another. The key is to recognize these feelings and deal with them, so they do not take over the caregiver’s frame of mind and compromise their level of care.
Resentment
When playing the role of a caregiver, resentment can take on many forms. Resentment toward the “system:” All these doctors are just after money, the nurses don’t really care about my mom, why is Medicare/Medicaid so complicated! Resentment toward other family members: Why am I the only one who cares about Dad? Why can’t Susie or John ever visit or help out? Billy is helping only because he is using Mom for her money. Even resentment toward the one you are caring for: Why doesn’t Mom appreciate all I do for her? I’m so tired of being around Dad because he says hateful things and is manipulative. This isn’t fair, why do I have to rearrange my whole life to do this?
When the feelings of resentment do creep in, it’s always best to face them and deal with them in a healthy way. Keep an open dialogue with doctors and other care providers. Ask professionals and other care providers to help explain the complex maze of government assistance for care. Try to keep other family members involved, even if it’s just by providing updates. Sometimes people don’t help because they don’t know what to do. Try asking for help, or telling them what needs to be done. Also, talk to others who are in the same situation. They will understand and you will feel better from getting your feelings out rather than keeping them bottled up inside. Remember that the person you are caring for may be upset and angry about their situation, and some of their behavior may be due to their illness or their perception of reality.
Guilt
When you are the primary caregiver, it’s easy to feel guilty. You may feel guilty for not doing a better job of caregiving, guilty for not being as focused on your own family, and guilty for feeling anger toward the one you are caring for. You may even catch yourself thinking what your life will be like when they are gone, then you feel guilty that the thought even crossed your mind.
When the feelings of guilt take over, it can weigh you down to the point you don’t even feel like trying. Instead of beating yourself up over all the things you think you could be doing better, look at all the things you are doing. There is no such thing as the perfect caregiver, we are all human. Remember, you are doing the best you can, and you are an important part in the person’s life that you are caring for. Stop beating yourself up for not doing more, and start patting yourself on the back for all that you do.
Sharing the Burden
Other burdens are impossible to eliminate because they are the reality of life. The house still needs cleaned, and all of your other responsibilities need fulfilled. Do you have a job? Do you have children? Do you have pets? And don’t forget your own needs such as caring for your health and socializing with others.
If it’s impossible to eliminate a burden, look for a way to share it. Can you hire someone to clean your house or enlist your kids to do more? Is it possible to change your work hours to give you more time at home? You can also check into respite care or adult daycare to give yourself a needed break.
Remember, you will feel better and be able to do more if your let go of some of these unnecessary burdens. You should be proud of yourself for everything you are doing!
